Compared to what?

(My son found a "smile" in a tree trunk when we were on vacation in Door County recently.)

So I have been thinking about how I will sometimes reject people before they have a chance to reject me. When I was on the running retreat, I considered the marathoners to be the fast group, like they were better somehow. When I saw a marathoner running near me, I thought there was something wrong with the picture at hand. The story in my head was: I just started to run 2 months ago; I have only done a 5K; the most I ever ran was 5 miles and that was when I was in my 20's and I got shin splints; and I don't hang out with marathoners. Why would a marathoner be interested in anything I might have to say about running...or anything else? Due to the nature of the retreat, I had to get over it and somehow just keep running no matter who was running near me.

How often have I had people tell me that I am intimidating because of how good I am at something or how easy I make something look or even how I look? I've had people tell me that they thought I was stuck up because I can be quiet and it takes me time to warm up to people. I would wonder how I could possibly seem confident to the point of being arrogant. Since coming home I have been thinking about how the message in my family was that while it is important to be "good" at what you set out to do, as well as to look good, you should not call attention to yourself and you should not feel good about yourself.

My Mom and one of my aunts are beautiful women who always doubted their looks because my grandfather had problems with strong women (and yet he raised four). I thought about the man I had lived with for 8 years. He told me that he wasn't jealous, and I believed him, even when he acted jealous. He told me I looked better in glasses...with my natural hair color...without make-up. Every time I would do something that made me feel good about myself, a fight would ensue. I would then hold my breath and take the verbal abuse. It took me years to understand that it wasn't about me; it had everything to do with how badly he felt about himself. How often do we have a hard time acknowledging the struggles and successes of others because we are comparing them to how we feel about ourselves?

This past weekend I was in the last part of a children's yoga teacher training, and I was struck by how often my fellow students would compare themselves to each other and to me as an excuse to criticize and second guess themselves. Women grow up comparing themselves to magazines and each other from early on, so we size each other up as soon as we meet one another. It's a hard habit to break, especially the internal comparing process. I was able to challenge my fellow students, who amazed me with their incredible gifts, in much the same way I was challenged on the running retreat. Funny how once we are confronted with a challenge, the challenge becomes ongoing, affording many opportunities for practice.