I think I can't...

This morning I was going to wake up early and attempt to run 3 miles before taking my Mom to her surgery. I had run 2.88 miles two days ago, and I wanted to keep up my momentum. Yet when my alarm went off, I talked myself out of getting up. I told myself it would be too hot and that I didn't have the motivation to run that far today. I told myself I just wasn't up to doing it. Perhaps tonight, was another thought, even though I know I don't feel like running at the end of the day. Thankfully, I got up half an hour later and went for a 2 mile run. Going for a shorter run was certainly better than not running at all, especially since I have been consistent about running every two days. Showing up is always half the battle.

I am becoming aware of how often I talk myself out of things, and this surprises me because I am hard worker - certainly not one to back away from a challenge. My self-sabotage over time is much more subtle than a sudden decision to completely give up. I suppose you could say that I start to give up over time until I have slowly but surely resigned myself to giving up, almost without noticing how it came about.

One and a half years ago I found it difficult to make it to one yoga class a week, and now I go to 4 or 5 classes a week. I used to say that I would never do a handstand or crane pose. I certainly wouldn't have thought that I could become a yoga teacher; I was "bad" at gym class. I even got a D in gym once! Shocking. How silly to let my high school experience determine my choices as an adult.

I find that I can sabotage certain yoga poses with my thinking, especially if I am trying to do a balancing pose and others can see me. And yet what happens when we fall out of a pose? We fall out of a pose. And we can get right back into a pose. Yoga reminds me that my practice need not be perfect. Once I show up, it's about being present to what the pose can show me.

It has also been one and a half years since my last relationship. This timing is surely not a coincidence. While I have no regrets about ending that relationship, my trust has been tenuous at best. I suppose my thinking on the prospect of a new relationship is rather like going into tree pose and expecting perfect balance on the first try. I practice tree pose daily because I like starting off the day with a sense of balance. When I tell my students that there is nothing wrong with falling out of a pose, I need to remember this advice applies to other areas of my life as well.

The fact that my practice will never be perfect is an attitude that I need to have off the mat as well.

Thought is cause: experience is effect. If you don't like the effects in your life, you have to change the nature of your thinking. - Marianne Williamson