shedding goals

This weekend was my second month of yoga school. I am especially relieved to have my first quiz behind me! I knew that it wasn't about getting a perfect score and showing the teacher what a good student/girl I am, for this is what my early schooling was about.

For example, I am finding all the anatomy we have to learn overwhelming to take in because I am used to getting something right away. I am used to being good at things and being able to do many things at once. And yet this mentality is what I need to push past in order to grow.

We were studying restorative poses, which involve quite a few props, relaxation and letting go. At first I did the poses with the attitude that it was okay if I felt a bit of pulling in my back, that I didn't need quite so many props. And then when the teacher added a bolster and I didn't feel any tension at all, the first words out of my mouth were: But that's boring! She laughed and said that restorative poses were perfect for someone like me. Because I'm used to doing a lot with my days and abilities. When I'm at a loss, I feel like I am not doing enough and not fast enough. The other day one of my fellow students made a comment about overachievers who do yoga in the early morning before coming to yoga school. Of course I had done my usually 20 sun salutations and 100 sit-ups that morning.

It drives me a bit nuts when people rave about Bikram yoga because I don't think Bikram is for everyone. There are quite a few people who experience injuries, and many, such as I, don't have the constitution for extreme heat. To me Bikram seems more about the workout and losing weight than anything...it doesn't feel like yoga in the sense of integrating mind, body and spirit to me. I want to tell my gorgeous friend who has been crediting Bikram for her sleeker shape that she looked amazing a few months ago and I want to know why she is still working toward a goal of losing more inches. But I know the answer because I am like this too. I wait to achieve my goals before accepting myself, which doesn't tend to happen, because by the time I reach one goal, I already have another...or three. We can always do better, right?

But perhaps if I can let go of my goals long enough, I will appreciate the journey all the more.

From "The Breath of God":
When you no longer have a goal-oriented mentality, then you also don't think anything is either too hard or too easy. Opportunities simply show themselves, and you see them more closely for what they are. Finally, you understand that there is something vast within you, which is the foundation of your life and the essence of your purpose here, and that everything important about this whole experience of Life is inside of you and not outside.
...
When talking about tasks or goals, think of a tree. A tree doesn't understand what its goal is intellectually; it doesn't follow a rational set of steps that it thinks through one by one before undertaking each of them. In fact, to try to define every single process involved in the growth of a tree would go beyond what a person's mind could consciously articulate. Yet it's a simple thing: the seed takes in nourishment and articulates its creative capacity.