Later that afternoon I had to say goodbye to a former student, an incredibly talented artist who loved working with children, who left this world at the age of 19. He was my student for 5 years. I don't think that he loved learning German, but I loved that he was always there, drawing something. Whenever I had the students do an arts-based project, he was always the first one finished. He would ask me what he should do, and at a loss I would always say, "How about doing another one?" I told his father this story, and he said he wanted to do the projects of his choosing.
There should be an agreement between parents and children, students and teachers. Children and students shouldn't die before their elders do. This is the third funeral or life celebration that I have been to in 2 months. Tomorrow I leave for Germany, and I am feeling like I can't breathe. Sometimes when we just don't know what to do, it's time to go home. Berlin is my home away from home, my birth city.
The other day someone said to me that I'm doing "so much", and I noticed that my whole body cringed. She noticed too and asked me what was going on. I said that I hear that a lot, and it sounds like criticism to me. When I care about what I'm doing, it doesn't feel like I am doing too much. Lately I've been burning out, and it is time to take a step back. I feel like I can only truly move on after I take this trip.
There have been many opportunities for healing amidst the tragedies.
So many good and healing things can be overwhelming, and I feel like everyone wants a piece of me lately. I've been showing up more. I'm trying to make more eye contact. I'm trying to see people where they are at instead of from where I am at. I'm committing to my projects and the people in my life, allowing myself and my passion to be seen, and this is incredibly scary for me. I've always been loyal. Commitment to showing myself and my purpose is something else entirely. The self-imposed obstacles of fear have taken enough of my energy.
This picture is of my son in Barcelona a few years ago. I was terrified to realize how close the edge, without a guardrail, was. I've been letting go of the imaginary guardrails in my life...notice how beautiful the water is in the picture. Time to dive into the beauty that is my life.